“Our life…it’s almost like a sci-fi novel, isn’t it? We don’t have parties and drugs and relationships like Charlie. We build robots. We write business proposals. We compete. It’s like we don’t even get to be teenagers anymore, because absolutely everything we do has to do with getting into college.”
She sighed and looked up, just as the first stars of the night twinkled their way through the city smog. “Good grades just aren’t enough anymore. Of course we all have 4.0s, of course we’re all taking the hardest classes. But we have to spend every waking moment of our lives building this damned bot, too.”
Caroline stuck her legs out off the table and stared at her shoes. She blew curly locks of hair out of her face, only to have them fall back into place.
“You ever feel a little bit like Ender? Like your entire life revolves around the wrong thing?”
Actually, I did. Isn’t it ridiculous, that there’s only one way to succeed in life? To get grades, go to college, get a job, and settle down? Where was the adventure? When would we get to live in a lakeside cabin and just think?
“Hey, Brian, are you even listening?” Caroline asked. I shook my head and shifted my gaze, but by then she was already staring back into space. “No…I suppose it’s just me.” She sighed.
I glanced at The Perks of Being a Wallflower Caroline had returned to me earlier today. If Charlie was a wallflower, what was I? What were any of us?
“…Yeah, I was listening.”
“So…?”
“I think it’s the sort of thing we all think about, but can’t change. I think it’s the sort of thing we just have to talk about until it’s over.” I frowned and thought for a second. “Why is it so hard for us to do the things we want to? Why can’t we just go out and have fun or make a club and study the things we like? Why are we just stuck here, unable to do anything?”
“Maybe we’re just too lazy.”
“Yeah, maybe…”
Caroline laid down, rested her hands on her stomach, and stared at the sky. Her eyes glittered, either from the softly blinking stars or the harsh fluorescent bulb above her. She was pretty, I knew that much, but I just couldn’t feel it. I don’t know if it was the constant sleep deprivation, but it didn’t matter to me. Teenagers just don’t get interested at our school. I don’t think it’s because we’re all hideous here at the Academy - everyone has cute stories of their crushes in middle school.
“You’ve stopped blinking again.”
“Sorry.”
“Eh, it’s all right.” Caroline turned her head back to the sky and closed her eyes.
I’m sleepy too. SATs were tomorrow, and I hadn’t studied at all. I hadn’t studied for anything, not for several months at least. Maybe years. I played League of Legends instead, and wondered every single night what was wrong with me. You just played video games for three hours! Don’t you care about your standardized test scores? This is make-or-break time for your lab grade, too! You’re at an 89.5% with only one test left! Oh, I already know everything on my tests. It’s just the stupid mistakes or the unclear wording that makes the tests hard, or the lack of concentration that makes stupid mistakes. You don’t have any concentration because you stay up late in the night playing video games. Maybe, but I just can’t stop.
I’ve just broken down, a little. I used to love putting everything I had into school, but it just doesn’t seem to be worth it anymore. Your grade doesn’t really seem dependent on how much effort you put in. We just work and work and never learn anything from it, except what the state deems is important.
I can actually recall the very moment when my concept of school lost its magic. It was second grade, and I was talking to some sort of district evaluator. She asked me what my favorite thing about school was, and I chirped, “The experiments!” We had done the infamous baking soda and vinegar mix four weeks before, and it had exploded quite spectacularly. “Well, I think it’s the experiments,” I said hesitantly. “But…we haven’t done any in a whole month.” My teacher hastily replied, “What do you mean we haven’t done experiments? Look, over there, we made the paper timeline of dinosaurs just last week, remember?”
It’s odd what teachers think kids think is fun. Nobody likes cutting paper and making classroom decorations other than the girl in the corner with her Hello Kitty pencils. Nobody likes art class, when we’re given little chunks of clay and are forbidden to do anything useful with it, like make figurines or grant the girl next to you the gift of cement-grey hair dye.
I looked back at Caroline, and saw her chest rise and fall in a slow, heavy rhythm.
“Hey, Caroline?”
Caroline took a deep, deliberate breath as she sat up. “Mmmph?” she asked, rubbing her eyes.
“What were you dreaming of?”
“I didn’t fall asleep, Brian. You only gave me about five minutes of silence. I was thinking about college.”
“College, huh…where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know. I tell everyone who asks Harvard, though, just to make them stop asking.”
“Nothing like an oversized ego to drive away the curious, huh?”
“Of course. What’s this little girl thinking, trying to get into the best school in the world?”
“The best school…” I frowned. “Did you hear what Jenny wrote on her tumblr yesterday?”
“No, what?”
I sighed. “She wrote that she was wasting her time at Harvard. She wrote that the education there wasn’t worth the fifty thousand dollars.”
“What, she’s paying money to go there?” Caroline looked at me incredulously.
“Apparently. She’s really rich. But that’s not the point. It got me thinking…what if we go off to college, and everything…”
“…Isn’t all right?”
“Yeah. I mean, we have these crazy dreams of living out in the wild, but what if our hopes of having the time of our life at college are crazy, too? What if we don’t learn? What if we don’t meet the people we’ve always wanted to meet, and just waste another four years of our life?”
Caroline was silent.
“If Harvard isn’t even satisfactory…where can we go?”
Caroline stayed silent.
“Maybe Oxford, or…”
“How about home?” Caroline interjected. “Come on, we should probably go home now.” She jumped off of the table and put her backpack on.
“Yeah.” I stood up and followed suit.
As I drive home through the late-night 405 traffic, I glance to my right and see Caroline, holding her head with her right arm on the door, staring out pensively.
College decisions are only nine months away. A moment in geological time, or so I’ve been told.
I wonder what happens then.
